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Trust no bitch.

Aug. 21st, 2015 | 10:55 pm

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I thought I knew..

Apr. 16th, 2009 | 10:42 am

I'm going to see about seeing a therapist again.

I used to see a therapist and did nothing but lie to them the whole time.
I believed that traditional "therapy" (sitting with a counselor and talking about your problems) was indulgent and ineffective.
I started going to the Psychic Institute...it was amazing that they could help me with my problems and I didn't even have to talk. I still love that place.
And I started changing my diet and noticing my thoughts transform.

I thought, "THERAPY IS SHIT. Diet and sprituality are the way to go!"

But I sit here today with too many thoughts in my head

SO much confusion.
I don't feel grounded at all.
I feel anxiety.
Someone starts talking about death and I start crying.

I feel myself being suffocated by my insecurities again...

I don't want to let myself slip and watch myself fall into a deep depression.
So I think I'm going to start seeing a therapist.

I realized...
Therapy may not have been for me a couple years ago.
But I find it necessary right now.
Right now I need to TALK about all the shit that's in my head...

I am being destructive in every way possible and it's like it happened over night. I don't know why, I don't know how...I don't know how to prevent something like this if I don't even know how it happened!!

Back to the drawing board...

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Oct. 3rd, 2008 | 09:05 am

Oh Lord have mercy on my soul.

It's day 1 back to work, THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!!

I walk in this morning, still looking obviously sick, I say "good morning" to my boss, she looks at me and gives me the look of DEATH!!!

I need to get out of this job. My boss is crazy. I can't take her moody ways...one day she wants to shut me in her office so that she can talk about all of her personal problems with me...and the next she will not even look at me.

I can tell she is sooooo mad at me for taking 3 days off. SORRY, BITCH!

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Jul. 12th, 2008 | 04:31 pm
music: Valley of the Dolls

All I want to do right now is...

Play bingo.
Pick up trash around town (live-out the "trash fairy" dream).
Clean this apartment.
Work our (some more).
Go swimming.
Go for a walk around this sunny town.
Sleep in the sun, in the park.
Get a hair cut.
Buy veggie plants.
Shave my head.
Get tan.


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Make me smile...

Jun. 30th, 2008 | 11:23 am
music: Claire de Lune - Debussy

Friday morning I got sent home from work. My supervisor wanted to give me time to greive. She could see it on my face that I was still so sad. I cried, then she cried. And then I left.

After running a few errands, I got home. All I wanted to do was cry and sleep. I went out back to water my plants...I have cherry tomatoes, roma tomatoes, grapes, bellpeppers and jalepenos...None of which are ready to eat.

I watered my tomatoes and noticed how big they're getting...I thought to myself, "I can't wait to show g-dub!!" (great grandma)...I started crying because I realized I wasn't going to be able to show her.

Well. That night, as I said in my last post, I went to my mom's on Friday evening. I'd only wanted to visit that night. I ended up staying there all weekend.

After taking a shower just now, I remembered that I'd neglected my plants all weekend. I didn't even think to ask Chelsea to water them.

Amazing it is...I went out to check on them and bring them water...and my tomatoes are turning red. That made me smile so much. And I knew just then that it was okay about my great grandma...I felt that in some way she'd helped my plants grow while I was at my moms. Does that sound crazy? I mean, all this time I've been waiting and watching them every single day. Feeling almost like a failure about it...remembering delicious tomatoes that she would grow...wondering if mine would turn out like that.

They're turning red. And the sun is shining brightly. Despite the issues within myself, I just NEED to have fun. My spirit needs to be light, because that is just who I am.

The tomatoes have made my day, I've decided.

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If you don't love me...Let me go.

Jun. 23rd, 2008 | 11:08 pm
location: 6th St
music: I Will Sing You Songs - My Morning Jacket

Who did I think I was for that second where I believed I could JUICE FEAST?!

WTF. Juice feast. WTF.

I understand the concept, but holy mother of god, even trying to do it for 2 days, I bombed. I bought a lot of the things that I read about. Many great supplements. But lord oh lord. After 2 days of mixing nasty shit into greens and drinky stuff that tasted salty, I just thought.....FUCK I'D RATHER NOT EAT AT ALL.

It's easier to restrict/fast than to juice feast. I don't know how people drink 4 quarts a day. I surely couldn't. I tried.

I still have like 8lbs of oranges haha and 2 bags of swiss chard and a huge thing of carrots and cucumbers..so I'm going to continue to just mostly consume juice this week. But grr I'm not happy about it. I thought I would be.

In the mean time, I'm going to the gym again. I pushed myself tonight just like old times. Mini-goals.
Back sweat.
Red face.
Twitching muscles...
It's all a part of many great memories.

Tonight at the gym a thought came to my head that felt less of a thought from physical existence, but more of a thought from my spirit. It was like I was no longer in my body..I could see myself from the inside as a spirit, and my spirit self said to my physical self "Show them what you're made of. Seriously, fucking push yourself at whatever you do and you'll be 100%. You can be what EVER YOU WANT TO BE."

It's so true, too. It felt like some old spirit guiding a young body. It was surreal.

So I pushed myself...telling myself that no one gets to their goals if they give up. True true true.


I went to the psychic institute tonight. They always know what's up, I swear.


I'm waiting on my checkbook wallet in the mail...and I've got $0.00 in the bank account, literally. But it's all good, because I know I'll be SO good in the money department very soon.


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Jun. 21st, 2008 | 02:57 pm

Brace yourselves little LJ'ers,

I'm going to make this my juice feasting journal.
I usually do seperate journals for everything in my life,
But I don't feel like dividing myself anymore.

I'm doing a juice feast.
Prospectively 92 days, we'll see.

I've been doing my research,
So I'm getting prepared.
I went and bought some stuff from the store today.
Already, this juice feasting thing is not what I expected.
I thought juice feasting meant just juices.

Apparently not.
There is hemp oil involved, bee pollen, blue green algea, spirulina, chlorella, you name it...even kelp granules!!!

This is packed nutrients for 92 days.
My body's going to love me.

I've never done anything like this before,
So bare with me.

My trip to the Co-Op to try and cross some of my JF items off my list was a pricey one.
Just for spirulina, bentonite (i think that's what it is), psyllium husk, and some other items...those alone were kind of pricey. In addition, I also got some swiss chard, two bundles of spinach, carrots, a huge-ass watermelon...etc etc

I didn't follow my plan of drinking water first.
I didn't have an pH balanced water left,
So I had to do all my shopping first.

By the time I got home, I was so wanting to try my juice, that I said SCREW IT to having a quart of water for breakfast.

I juiced the entire watermelon that I got.
In a seperate container I juiced spinach, celery and lemon.

I combined my Green juice mix (spinach, celery and lemon) with watermelon, and stirred in some Green Superfood Blend powder...

I'm currently sipping on my juice :)

Oh, so I had about 16oz of watermelon juice for lunch.

Now for an early dinner I'm having 1 quart of Green juice with watermelon.

I need to hit up to 4 quarts today. How is that even possible? I'm so freaking full already and I've not even made a dent into my juice right now.

I have to go now. I've got to get ready to leaaave. I'm singing the national anthem tonight at the nascar races at Placer County Fairgrounds...so when I'm done singing, I get free tickets to the fair...that's where I'll be!

Oh and tomorrow I'm having a YARD SALE :D


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(no subject)

Jan. 13th, 2007 | 07:06 am

i don't get it. i just don't fucking get it. people who post pictures of themselves at 5'8" 108 lbs, looking like they are 5'8" 138!!!! I DON'T GET IT. Am I the only person who actually looks their weight??????????? I don't look small. This is not what I'm getting at. But either all of these fucking girls are LIARS, or every pound that they have on them is SHEER FAT.

I don't get it. I need an explanation.

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(no subject)

Sep. 6th, 2005 | 04:01 pm

Support the American Cancer Society in funding for research, advocacy, education, and support. Show your support by buying ACS wrist bands at ACSwristbands.org

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Jan. 12th, 2005 | 11:42 am

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